emotions

I'm not going to conceal or suppress my disappointments, but I'm going to try to make prayer my first response to these emotions. Lord, You take it all. I'm not asking you to take it away, but guide my actions even if I'm disappointed every day.  Don't let is consume me, but use it Lord, to convict me to display Christ-likeness in all that I do and say.

Longing

There was suddenly a sharp ache in my heart. A desire, a longing for..something. Something was missing from my heart. 

And that 'something' was only filled as I began to pray; when I turned to You to fill that longing and desire, whatever it was. I just whispered, "Fill this longing in me Lord, whatever it is." 

I give You my heart, Lord. Fill this heart with your love so overwhelming, that it will ache simply because I cannot contain the love that You have for me. 

T-0!

The day is finally here :) 

It has been a crazy, emotional, challenging, but fruitful and fulfilling fast from each other to put our focus on God instead. So much has changed within the 2 weeks! Am thanking God every day for what he's doing in my life, in yours, and in ours together. So excited for the season ahead of us! God is good :) 

I've missed you terribly over the past 2 weeks. But God made me realise how much more I've missed him, even in the literal sense - not being aware of His presence and His voice. Actually, more like how I've ignored His voice although I know He's calling out to me. But He is gracious. 

Cannot wait to share my journal with you! And to talk about our 2-week journey thus far :D 

Majesty

Today during worship, I was reminded about how there is no need to try to be perfect with the Father. Because He accepted us just as we are, faults and all, even before we accepted Him. 

"Your grace has found me just as I am, 

Empty handed but alive in Your hands" 

- Majesty, Hillsong United 

Thank You for Your amazing grace, and that I don't need to pretend to be perfect when I'm with You. Thank You that You've always created an avenue for us to be perfectly honest with You, to be our complete broken selves in front of You. 

Thank You that we live not trying to be perfect by our own efforts, but by Your spirit that makes us alive - constantly convicting us of our sin from within, and changing our hearts to live in line with Your will. 

Thank You for Your unending and unconditional love. And that we only need to lay our burdens down at Your feet. 

Such a loving Father. Help me to grow in my understanding of how deep and wide your love is for us. 

because He lives, I can face tomorrow

I've been making a lot of mistakes at work. Pressure to perform builds up, especially when clients hint at the possibility of new projects if this one goes well.

No idea what I'm writing on, simple grammatical errors made, factual errors even. Major no-no's in writing a press release. Media pitches to do, a big paper not wanting to turn up, I'm at a loss on how to make things work. 

Feeling insecure, emotional, constantly needing reassurance from him. It's tiring, and must be emotionally taxing on him as well. Don't want to make him tired. Feels like he's supporting me and giving me more than I do for him. 

Worried.

Reminded that I need to be utterly dependent on God at work, whether things are big or small. That He WILL deliver me, no matter what, because I'm His child and He loves me. Need His strength to pull through the weeks and the madness of working in this industry. 

He whispered, "Have you forgotten how I'm omniscient and omnipresent? I am with you always. Every second of the day. This means I see things happen as it unfolds, and I know exactly how you're feeling. I feel your hurts and your struggles because I'm the Lord your God." 

Sufficient. I turn to You for strength and wisdom. I know that You are teaching me to be dependent on You, and You alone. You've brought me through that path when I was studying, and You're bringing me through that again. 

Need to stop compartmentalising my faith and trust in You. 

Scattered thoughts, chaotic emotions. 

Don't let the enemy get to you. Jesus lives in you and that means you can overcome anything with and by His powerful name. 

Reminder.

Pushing ahead with the Lord.

"...and call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honour Me." - Psalm 50:15

Amen!  

maintenance

"LORD, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws;

    our heart's desire is to glorify your name" - Isaiah 26:8

"...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." - Hebrews 12:1-2

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
- 1 Corinthians 10:31

"Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace." - Romans 6:12-14

"...Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit." - Romans 7:6

"So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us..."
- 2 Corinthians:20

"Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don't be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts." - Ephesians 5:17-19

"Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom that he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father."
- Colossians 3: 16-17

"For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts." - 1 Thessalonians 2:4

Who am I living for? Is my mind focused on God? 

Thank you Jesus, for this reminder. Need to 'up my game' for God!

So many verses, passages, letters. Jesus, I pray for wisdom and an obedient heart.

Honesty, acknowledgement,
walk away from pride and self
Face forward, eyes on Jesus
purpose; His glory
Solution: Word, prayer, church, accountability
thoughts, everyday - life, thankful, thanksgiving
Worship. Guard my heart tight.
Trust. Go on, I'm walking with you.
I can't; faithless. Picked up, every time.
 
        Excitement. Love. Hope. 

:') 

the difficult way

"You know. You could've come to Me first. Why didn't you? I'm always there, I was watching everything as it unfolded."

"You're right. As usual, You always are. And that's why You're awesome :D" 

And I started to pray. 

All I needed was a simple reminder from Him. 

I think many times, I live my life forgetting that God is watching my every move, and every situation that happens. And I forget that He's bigger and mightier than anything that my human mind can comprehend. That He's above every problem. 

And that's when I forget to pray about an issue. And then I end up doing things the difficult and unproductive way. But He's gracious, and He reminds me. 

"He never grows weak or weary,
     No one can measure the depths of his understanding" - Isaiah 40: 28  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take" - Proverbs 3: 5-6

Indeed, our God is greater, stronger, and higher than any other, and any thing on this Earth. His wisdom, strength, and understanding surpasses anything that can be found here on Earth, because He is God. And because He never grows weak or weary, He is our; and should be our; infinite source of strength and wisdom. We need to always draw our 'nourishment' from His well. 

Above all, I thank You that You're faithful, and full of mercy and grace. 

I thank You that You're a God who fulfils promises. Your promises are the things that I want to hold on to. 

Keep teaching me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Help me live according to Your will, even in difficult situations. 

p/s: "Remember how much I love you. You don't need to be upset, because you have My love. And My love is deeper, wider, longer, and higher than any love that you can find on Earth. Know that I understand your deepest desires and longings. But all you need to remember is that you have My love." 

serving a holy God

It was quiet, and it felt like it was the right atmosphere where I can finally sit down with God after a long day. I removed all distractions, prayed in tongues to prepare my spirit, talked a little to God, and began devouring His word...

Only to be interrupted by a knock on my door. 

I was definitely feeling annoyed. Of all times to be bothered. Impeccable timing. Glancing up halfway through my bible reading, I pulled myself off my bed and walked to the door with a tinge of annoyance. I opened the door, and found my sister waiting outside, asking me if I had already collected her iPod which I had sent a week earlier for repair. Understanding her disappointment, I tried to hide the annoyance in my voice, but perhaps, I didn't do it very well because she looked dejected after that, and walked downstairs to tell my dad to "collect it, because Lind can't get it yet."

I knew what was coming. My dad would be complaining about how I find it so hard to do small things for my family. Maybe it was instinct; maybe it's because you've lived with the same people for 22 years, that you know how they'd react to a situation. 

And I was spot on about my dad's remarks. Reminding myself to be patient, I tried to calmly explain how I have had deadlines to meet and I can't get off work by 5.30 (Apple closes at 6). More grumbles and insinuations from my dad about my character, and I was starting to get ticked off because he wasn't letting me explain myself. Fortunately, he went to his room, and I went back to mine to continue where I left off in my devotion. 

Except that I couldn't really do my devotion any more. More like, I didn't want to do it, because of what transpired between my dad and I. Then there was this little snide voice in my head going, "See. You weren't as polite as you hoped you'd be. You didn't really honor your dad. You have such an impure heart. How can you even bring yourself to even want to spend time with the Holy One?" 

I was about to agree with that little snide voice, when a smaller, gentler, but firm voice said, "But you don't come to Me trying to hold up an image of perfection. I don't want to see that. What I do want to see is you coming to Me, in prayer, with all your shortcomings, weaknesses, and sins. Lay them all down at My feet. I have redeemed you when I died for you on the cross, and because of that, you don't need to feel or be perfect in order for you to spend time with Me. You think that you're not worthy to spend time with me when you've 'sinned', because I am Holy. But you forget that you have been made righteous through Me. Coming to Me in prayer is not about trying to be perfect. It is about knowing and acknowledging that you need Me."

How apt, since I was reading the passage of Romans 6. 

"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin." - Romans 6: 5-7

 "When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus." - Romans 6: 10-11

He whispered, "You live under the freedom of My grace."

I am once again humbled by my Dad and King. He knows that I have a tendency to strive for perfection in everything that I do, and He graciously reminds me that all I  need is Him. And that I don't have to tire myself out trying to make myself seem perfect (because it's something I will always fail at). 

I definitely serve a Holy God. But I also serve The One who is Love and Grace. :') 

Lord. You have a way of teaching me things. At the weirdest moments. I was praying about something else, and strangely, You've remained quite silent on that issue. But You've been teaching me other things. Reminding me to glorify You in everything that I do. It's great. And I'm excited for what 2013 has to bring. I want to experience more of You. I crave for this unspoken intimacy with You. I want to do so much more for You. But help me to be faithful in the small things that You've given to me as well. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. 

p/s: My dad came into my room just as I was finishing up this post, to tell me about a really cute Samsung advertisement, without any traces of annoyance in him. Well, that was a sudden change of mood. I have to admit that I was slightly taken aback, but I'd like to think it's God's little way of cheering me up. :) 

Oh. and here's the video, if you'd like to watch it. It really IS very cute :P 

CLICK!

Lessons in December

One month has nearly passed since I started interning at Edelman KL. It's a PR company, and the people there are absolutely wonderful. It was difficult when I had to weigh between taking up the internship offer between Edelman and Ogilvy (they offered me Advertising btw), but I'm so glad that I chose Edelman.

Over the course of this one month, I learned a few things: 

1. You start to learn everything from scratch. From the company's organizing systems, to how to write emails, press releases, pitching, etc. But it's all fun :) 

2. I really love PR, and that love might be bordering on obsession. 

3. MAKE FRIENDS. I'm fortunate to be working with great, brilliant people, and an even greater team. They look out for you and they've got your back. 

I made a mistake today, and was rightly reprimanded (although it was a tad bit harsh). But my team comforted me, cleared things up for me, told me it was 'okay, that things like that happen'; they guided me to make sure the same mistake wouldn't be made again; and my 'supervisor' (for lack of a better term) offered me some Japanese Plum Wine to calm my nerves (which works, if you'd like to know). She's a sweetheart. She's always really patient with me, taking time off to teach me although she's mad busy. 

How can I not feel welcomed and cared for in this team? :) 

4. It doesn't hurt to be nice and genuine. Besides getting a proposal done (or praise from your client/team, or making a new media friend), nothing beats seeing the smiles of your colleagues when you offer to help them with their 1001 things to do. Also, doing Random Acts of Kindness around the office is also extremely satisfying. Especially when your colleagues give you their brightest smile to show their appreciation for what you did. :) 

5. It also doesn't hurt to say NO. Being in PR, you need to learn how to manage your time, tasks, and priorities. We all experience the same thing (may be different in magnitude), but they understand. 

6. Let your team know whether or not you can complete on time the task that's given to you. Or if you need extra time for that matter. It would help them with their workflow, especially if they're waiting for you to send in a document that you did to be reviewed. At least they can organize their time and tasks to incorporate your schedule and pace. My team has been extremely gracious to me in that area. 

7. Work-life balance isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I find myself staying till 8, sometimes till 9 and when I go home, I'm dead tired. And I just become this anti-social workaholic. Although I'd like to think that I just don't like my work to be left uncompleted. Yeah. I'll go with that ;) 

8. Be eager to learn from everyone, not just your team. Different teams can offer you different perspectives. Different colleagues can teach you different things that they've learned over the years. And you can mix-and-match what you've been taught to find a system that you're most comfortable with. I've also learned the value of being humble in the workplace. You learn so much more! 

9. Attention to details. No matter what field you're in, paying attention to details is so important! I found out that I'm not as meticulous as I thought I was. I now find myself proof reading my emails at least 5 times before I send it to my team to be reviewed. And I think that's nuts. But oh well. 

10. You don't need to club or drink to fit in. My colleagues are amazing. They don't  really pressure you to do things you don't want to do. They do try to get you to come along, but they respect it when you decline firmly. 

Also, starting the day with God is so important to set the day right! When you start the day by spending some time with God, it sets the rest of the day for you. Somehow, you feel more patient, loving, hardworking, etc. And I'm constantly reminded to do my best for God, simply because I want to glorify God and declare His Lordship with my life. 

One of my favourite verses to start the week off as well: 

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ"- Colossians 3:23-24

"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people." - Philippians 2:14-15

On another note, I really should start blogging more often. 

Here's to a great 2013 with Jesus as my guide! 

p/s: Dear team, if you're reading this, know that I love all of you very much!

humbling thoughts

There are days where I have a disagreement with a friend, or I lose my patience over what is a seemingly small matter, or even have nasty thoughts, that I feel like I'm inadequate. More than that, I feel like I've failed as a Christian. I sometimes would like to kid myself into thinking that I'm just being 'real'- without any pretense, without hypocrisy; that who you see is who you get, and who I really am. If anyone had the ability to read minds (God forbid), they'd be shocked at the atrocity of my thoughts. I have and I still am guilty of silently judging people from the depths of my heart, from every possible aspect- from physical looks to intelligence, and even one's spiritual maturity. 
Among some of life's mysteries to me is how people can be so self-composed. How Christians can be so self-composed. How they can be so loving, putting others first and their feelings second, willing to accept defeat in an argument for the sake of protecting others from the hurt that entails having disagreements. There was a point in time where I would scoff at those Christians, because I honestly believed that they were merely putting up a facade, just so they appear Christian-y. 
Oh, how wrong was I. 
Now, as a more mature Christian, and as one who knows God more intimately, there are days where I do still feel like a failure, especially among all of my Christian friends. And by this, I do not mean that I have a "holier-than-thou" attitude among my non-Christian friends; it's just that I seem to lack so many 'qualities' that other 'good' Christians typically have: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. 
What kind of fruit am I bearing?
And then I am gently reminded by my Father that it is not always about how I feel about myself. It is about how He looks at me, and how He has redeemed me. And I'm reminded that it is not about what I've done, or what I do, but it is about His grace and faithfulness. That although I feel like I've failed as a Christian, He still loves me and calls me His. Despite the countless times when I've failed and disappointed Him, He has never left me; instead, He leads me back into His arms and tells me to "try again". Every. Single. Time.
It should come as no surprise to me that Christians are self-composed, loving, patient people. (Or at least the Christians that I know). They have only been testimonies to God's extraordinary grace in their lives, and testimonies to the fruit of their deep relationship with Him. 
Indeed, His grace is all I need, and His power works best in my weakness.  I am humbled by the thought that He considers me worthy to be saved, and to do His works for His kingdom. 
And because of that, I feel eternally grateful. 
Truly, He is Love. And I have great joy because of the love that He has for me, this unworthy sinner whom He calls His. 

denial

I have a confession to make.


I am weak. So weak is my faith that I had to hesitate for awhile before answering, "Yes, He does speak to me. I hear Him," just so that I would not seem crazy. 
Can I honestly call myself a follower of Christ? Can I honestly say that I love Him with all my heart?Can I honestly say that I would follow Him to the cross, if need came to be? 
No. I can't.I would have denied Him. Just like Peter did. Three times. 
It is only by His grace and unending mercies that I am His child, and that I can call myself His. 
Forgive this wretched heart, O Lord. Forgive me for my weakness. Forgive me for my pride, for once thinking that I would die for my faith, if I had to. 
But more than anything, help me to first acknowledge You with conviction.Take me out of my comfort zone; out of my "Christian circle"; place me in waters where my faith will be tested.
But don't leave me Lord. Because this wretched heart,Needs You. 

The Potter's View

Adapted:

Lord. You know. I feel so consumed by this ‘thing’. I don’t even know what to call it. Dad’s not a bad person. He loves me, I know it. He shows it too, although indirectly. But after years of growing up with a man I couldn’t rely on, I learned to do things for myself. And now, I know so many great guys. Guys who are God-fearing, compassionate, kind, intelligent, everything. They seem like the perfect catch. But, the minute I see negative aspects of my dad in them, I immediately turn away. I overlook their strengths and amplify their weaknesses instead. I know, that we’re all ‘works-in-progress’. But part of me just refuses to accept anything less than ‘the finished product’. I just want to buy something of the shelf, and not take a tour around the factory that produces them. I don’t want to be involved in the process of investing in their lives to make them into men. And that’s my problem. Lord. I need to get out of this, but I don’t know how. It’s holding me back…from a great relationship with an amazing man that you’re working on. I know I’m not perfect myself. I’m highly flawed. But still. I just can’t accept even the slightest flaws in the guys around me.

“You are the potter, I am the clay. Mould me and make me, this is what I pray”. 

Child. I know the hurts that you’ve been through. I’ve seen you ever since you were first conceived in your mother’s womb. And I love you despite all the flaws that you have, and the flaws that you think you have. But I AM the potter. And you are the clay. And I love you even though you’re still in the process of being a ‘display item’ on the shelf. And there’s a lot of heartache that goes through that process, girl. Times when you cracked, or times when your shape didn’t turn out the way I intended it to be. Or maybe the color just wasn’t right. The volume, the depth. Yet, I still kept working. I still am. It is a painful process. Reconstructing you. Taking the time to guide you in life, to see the choices that you made, both good and bad. And yet, I still chose to hold on to you. To keep spinning that potter’s wheel. Because I see the potential that you have in you, to become a beautiful vase to put colorful flowers in. It’s been a long process. And yet, the clay, unrefined, in My hands, you are precious because I see the potential in you, as a finished product. Of course, time and time again, there’ll be minor chips here and there. And I’d still have to constantly patch you up. But that’s the beauty of it all. The process of making you what you will be in the end. To know that something so beautiful could come out of something so unrefined. Surrender your hurts to me child. I know that you’ve longed for a father whom you could be affectionate with. Someone whom you could depend on. Someone who was a little bit more supportive and strong, even emotionally. And I know that you’re tired of being independent. But you know that you can always rely on Me. You don’t need to carry this burden by yourself. Surrender them to me and I’ll teach you the joy of investing in the lives of the ‘boys’ around you. To help you see from the Potter’s view. To normal eyes, clay is just that. Clay. But a Potter sees clay differently. He imagines it as the finished product. He imagines the various beautiful shapes and designs that could arise out from just that piece of clay. Child. Do not set unrealistic expectations of yourself, and of people. Instead, take the time to enjoy the process of moulding them into amazing men of God. That is your duty as their sister in Christ. And one day, you will be proud of how far they have come. Be patient, child. And remember, that I love you very much. And that I took that clay, and started to form you into something beautiful. And I’m still doing that every day. I’m moulding you and making you into a woman of great strength and character, not to be self-sufficient, but to support and invest in the life of a man who will be very important in your life- your husband. And to invest in the people around you. That’s what it means to invest. To take time, to correct them, to guide them gently, instead of expecting a finished product waiting for you to pick off the shelf. The value lies in the process of making, My child. Not in the finished product itself.

Lord. That was amazing. I never saw it that way. Thanks for putting things into perspective for me. I’ll try. And Lord. I pray for patience and strength to invest in the lives of the boys around me, into making them men. I want to see them mature. And I want to be proud of them. But it’s really so hard. And I’m tired. I guess I do expect Mr Perfect to drop from the sky. Thank you Lord. I love being called your child.

I know. And that’s why I always call you that. Don’t forget that I created you. I knew you ever since you were in your mother’s womb. I know your desires, your thoughts, your fears and insecurities. And I also know what you love. Take comfort in that My child. That I will always love you unconditionally. And that I chose to die for you on the cross, just because I love you.

Chapter 2

If it's one of the books I constantly find myself re-reading, it's Sharon Jaynes's "Becoming a Woman who Listens to God". There's just something that keeps drawing me back to that particular book. Maybe it's her writing style. Maybe it's the fact that she jots down her personal experiences to get points across. Or maybe it's just the title of the book. 
If it's one thing I love reading in the book, it's a particular paragraph which makes me yearn and long to be in her position:-

I haven't heard God's audible voice, but He does speak to me on a regular basis. I've felt His nudge in the kitchen as I've mopped the linoleum floor, I've recognized His tug as I've pulled off the highway in an overheated car, I've sensed His peaceful wooing as I've struggled to weather tumultuous storms, I've heard echoes of His laughter as He's instructed me to learn from the children in my care, I've sensed His presence as I spent time meditating on the Scriptures. - Sharon Jaynes

Maybe it's not so much on 'hearing' God, I've definitely heard from Him. But it's the intimacy in her relationship with God that is so evident in her writings on her daily life. The awareness that she has of His presence in everything that she does. How she hears so clearly from God as He speaks to her through the various things and events in her life, even if it's just something that seems like a routine.

It's been a question I've been asking God for a long time. I know He's real. I've experienced Him, I've heard from Him multiple times, I've enjoyed just being in His presence. But Lord, why am I not as intimate with You? I know I can be so much more intimate with You. I know there's so much more to this relationship than where I'm at right now. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not, praying enough? Serving enough? Loving enough?

I kept re-reading Bible passages that spoke of intimacy with God.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"- Jer 29:13
"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened"- Luke 11:9-10

Well, thought I, it SHOULD be simple enough. I just had to seek God with all of my heart! Problem solved! So I went about, praying that God would give me a heart that's seeks Him, all of my days.

This went on for a couple of months. Till one day, as I was driving back, a thought just came into my head.

"You're not seeking me enough"

I stopped. Well, I didn't stop the car, but that thought was enough to grab my attention that was otherwise focused on looking out for stupid drivers. Funny. I thought the very fact that I was praying about it meant that I was seeking God with all my heart. If I wasn't, why would I be reading bible verses and praying for a heart that sought God? As usual, I questioned the Lord.

"What do you mean, Lord?"
"You're not seeking me with all your heart"
"Great. That doesn't really help You know? I thought I already was seeking You with all my heart! Well. I've been praying about it! So what exactly do You mean?"

I won't detail the rest of the conversation, because, man. I'm pretty much a horrible person. But here's a summarized version of the events that God brought me through to make His point clear. Or rather, the questions that He asked me.

1. When are the times that you seek Me the most?
2. What about other times? What happens then?
3. So. Do you still think you're seeking Me with all your heart?

You must be wondering what my answers are.
1. Well Lord. I'd say it's during the semester. (Which at this point, God pressed me to think further to ask "Why particularly during the semester?") Because...I need Your guidance for exams and assignments?

2. Well. After the semester is over, I think I don't seek You as much. (Note my refusal to admit that I didn't really seek God at all, as opposed to not seeking Him as much)

3. DARN IT! Man. Lord. You really have a way of showing me things. No, I'm not seeking You with all my heart.

It dawned upon me how I was treating God like He was disposable. How I chucked Him aside when I 'didn't really need Him', but how I constantly sought Him when times were bad, or when I needed comfort or His wisdom. I spent time with Him when it was convenient for me, but I didn't care that He was waiting all day to spend time with me. Things were just more important than God.

So maybe seeking God with all my heart isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
If you're thinking that this post has a resolution, it doesn't really have one. God didn't exactly tell me how to be intimate with Him, or give me practical ways to do so, but at least He pointed me in the right direction. And I'm grateful for His..well..sorta rebuke I guess.

I am deeply ashamed of myself now.

Lord. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I cannot believe I've belittled you to something that's so...unimportant. To something of my convenience. But not of a priority. I pray, that this would be the first step I would take to having an intimate relationship with You. One that is so fulfilling, that I'd be so familiar with Your voice and hear from You on a daily basis. Even if it's just acknowledging Your presence in my life everyday. I want to be at that stage where not hearing from You on a daily basis makes me alarmed. I want to be excited to spend time with You. I know that You have amazing plans for me, and right now, I'm not on the path that You've set for me. I just know it. I pray you guide me again to the path You've laid out for me. I pray that You'll help me to never lose sight of why You created us in the first place- to have a relationship with us. An intimate one. I thank You, for Your unending grace and mercy, and how I'm always able to crawl back into your arms even after such a despicable act. I pray you accept my broken little heart, and mend it back, and prepare me to truly be a woman after Your own heart.

p/s: I realized, that this post is quite different from my other posts on Christianity and God. It's not to provide insight or life's lessons that God has taught me, but rather, maybe, just maybe, to share my brokenness. 

The Package

I wonder why I've always felt the need to be doing something constantly. I'm just unable to sit still for even 5 minutes. I'd get uncomfortable and be thinking that "hey, I could do something with this 5 minutes." Whatever it is, even talking nonsense to people counts. 

It dawned upon me last week during the CF farewell, that I was too engrossed in getting top results, for assignments and exams, that I lost sight of what was important. What have I been doing for the past 3 years in Monash? I've chased good results, that's all. Sure, I was fun at times when I wasn't bogged down with assignments, but that was it. I don't think I invested much in people's lives. At least, not as much as I could. My priorities were all wrong. Well, it wasn't exactly wrong to prioritize studies, but to make that my ultimate focus was just...not very wise. 

Unfortunately, I learned that a little too late. I have a semester in Boston, maybe two. Maybe I'll have a semester in Monash too. But those years that I wasted, chasing after grades, when I could've done so much more for the people around me. 

God wanted me to spend time with Him today. With exams looming, quiet times have been a bit rushed, with me feeling tired at the end of the day. He caught my attention today, giving me this longing to just be still with Him. Listening to Kari Jobe's "You Are For Me", singing along, meditating on the lyrics, and just really. Being still in His presence. Doing absolutely nothing. And that felt really good. My heart broke. God Almighty, had to catch MY attention, just so He can spend time with me. It's as if I was God =.= But yet, I was important enough to Him for Him to do just that. That reminds me of how much He wants to spend time with us. Even if it's just 10 minutes. I'm not pursuing Him enough. 

It was refreshing. I cried. I don't know why I did either. I just know that I felt very broken inside. It was truly a joy to "be still and know He is God". 

Unfortunately, it won't be long till I go back to my fast-paced routine of chasing material things. And it won't be long till God catches my attention again. But I'm glad that He has brought me to this place of realization. And I know I will do so much more for Him while in Boston. As much as I regret not realizing this earlier, I'm glad God made me realize this while I'm still a student. 

It was a lesson well learned today. Too often have I been going around and doing things, for myself, for people, and for God that I forgot the importance of sitting quietly with Him. I'm glad He reminded me. He's been knocking on my heart for quite a long time I should think, but I was distracted and I didn't answer that knock. But when I did, there was a package for me. On the package read: To Lindley. With Unfailing Love from God. And inside that package, was joy, peace and overwhelming love. I was too busy chasing after things that I nearly missed what God wanted to give to me. Maybe He's been knocking on your door to give you a package too? (:

Chapter 1

It was amazing. The first few months of our relationship. So much passion. All I wanted to do was to make him happy, no matter what it took. I'd rush to do things for him, to spend time with him, to do everything and anything that I could within my capacity; and perhaps even more. I would hang on to his every word, do what he asked me to do, read whatever he asked me to read. It was exciting, discovering the depths of his love for me in the initial stages of the relationship. When I couldn't meet him, or spend time with him, I'd get angry with the people preventing me from doing so, although he told me not to get angry. The fullness of his love reached the depths of my soul, and I'd cry because it was just too amazing to be true. I'd tell everyone about his love for me, and how amazing he is and how people just HAD to meet him. 
A year passed by, and I grew up. I matured, in a sense. And he no longer was enough for me. His love was still amazing, but it did not touch me as it did at the start. I no longer placed him above everything else. Things began to take priority. Studies, CF, friends, family, serving and dreams. I sidelined him occasionally, spending time with him when I wanted to, pushing him aside when I had 'better things to do'. I still did things to please him, although sometimes albeit grudgingly. But it was amazing. He never forced me to do anything I didn't want to. But I did it because I remembered the depth of his love for me. I still got excited at times when I got to see him, but only at times. But more often than not, it was more of like a side thing when I remember that I'm seeing him that I go "Oh. Right. Seeing him today. YAY!" But it was no longer that constant joy and yearning to see or spend time with him. I no longer told people about his love; they only heard about it when they asked, and that's when I would tell them in a voice that sounds a bit more sensible, more matured compared to the excited, childish voice last time.
2 years passed. Maybe a little more. Our relationship didn't grow sour, but it just became...dull. It no longer had that spark. No more passion, no excitement. At least, that's what I felt on my part. He kept trying to show me how much he still loved me, despite all my flaws. And as I look back, it's amazing, how his love for me never diminished- not even one bit; although I had compartmentalized him in my life, when I was studying or out with friends. I guess, it eventually got to the stage where I really couldn't be bothered about our relationship anymore. I guess, I was still selfish. I still cared about whether he loved me as much as he used to; 2 years ago; but I couldn't be bothered to put back the passion into the relationship. I didn't care if I spent any time with him, although he waited for me to talk to him every night- without fail. 
And then. It deteriorated from there. I no longer cared about the relationship. I no longer wanted to do anything to pick the relationship up. I was just this close to giving the relationship up; if it weren't for his love. And the fact that we used to have a real relationship. I no longer listened to him at all. I guess he tried to tell me that he's still there in my life; still present, but I just couldn't hear it. Maybe I blocked it out. 
I'm just too tired. I'm on the verge of calling it quits, but I won't because we had such a real relationship. 
Maybe I need you to pick me up again. To let me know that you still love me as much as ever. And that you'll forgive me for all that I did; for all the hurt and disappointments. And that you'll welcome me back into your arms without a second thought. 
I want us to go back to where we were. Actually, I want to know you better. I want to have a stronger passion for you. And to learn to put you first above all else. And to not take your love and mercy for granted. I want to be that excited girl once again. 
This story does not have an ending. I hope there never will be. As of now, I don't know what's going to happen next, but I guess, I'll just have faith. (: 

Musings: Religion [1]

So, I'm going to be quite honest and transparent here. 
I've been doing some 'soul-searching'/reflecting on what it means to be a Christian. What does it mean to be set apart, yet not separate; to be in the world but not of the world. Or as Christian jargon would put it, to be "salt and light"; to be relevant yet righteous. 
And this question has been troubling me for quite a bit.
I guess, the deeper question that I was asking is, how am I living my life out as a Christian? What makes me different from any other person out there who isn't a believer? I honestly don't see any difference. To put it bluntly, I'd say I'm like an 'atheist leaning towards Christian values'. But that's not entirely accurate either, because I believe in God, and I have a relationship with Him. 
Okay. Maybe more like a 'theist leaning towards Christian values'. I've been wondering, if I'm gone from Monash, did I make a difference in anyone's life? Have I impacted the students there in any way? Would they miss me because I'm friendly, nice, helpful, etc, or would they miss me because there was something different in the way that I lived my life; because I made a difference in theirs? 
I don't know if I'm making sense here, I hope I am. 
Christians always talk about becoming a living testimony- something which I think I'm not. If I were to look at myself from another person's POV, I don't think I embody anything Christ-like. Maybe just a few values here and there.  I know that's where the whole "we are works in process" thing comes in, but I'm still not satisfied with the way I live my life. I feel something is wrong somewhere, but I just cannot place a finger as to exactly what is wrong. 
Maybe I'm concerned. Maybe I'm concerned that I'm not that concerned about living a Christ-like life. Actually, I am, since I've been thinking about it. But I don't think I've been doing anything as to 'rectify' it. 
I've been thinking. What does it mean to be a Christian?
Does it mean that you go to church every weekend, go to CF, listen to Christian music, fellowship with Christians, read Christian books, blogging about Christian stuff, sounding holy, etc.
I wonder how non-Christians define us Christians. Does going to church make you any more a Christian than one who does not? 
Do you see where I'm going with all of this? I know the typical answer as to what it means to be a Christian is to be a follower/disciple of Christ. But again, what makes one a follower of Christ? I hear so many sermons about being so ready to lay down your life for Him; to let Him take the wheel of your life, etc. But how can a non-Christian tell the difference between him/her and a believer? 
I don't know. Sometimes I think we (myself included) spend too much time trying to appear 'Christian' that I think less of trying to be Christ-like.
Which brings me to another question: What does it mean to be Christ-like?
The most common answer would probably to be someone who 'loves their neighbours as themselves'. I look at Jesus' life. And I see something so common in all the Gospels- He spent most of his time with the 'untouchables'; tax collectors, prostitutes, diseased, etc. 
Translate that into modern day terms. I mean we certainly don't deal with tax collectors on a daily basis. But we certainly do bump into the less noticed, the less popular, the lonely, the less accepted, the handicapped. Maybe even the'sinners' (inverted commas because I think Christians nowadays tend to judge 'sin' by the 'weight' of it, instead of looking at sin as it is-sin); people who smoke, take drugs, appear gangster-ish. In fact, sometimes when I spend time with people like that, there's this nagging thought in my head that goes: "OMG. What if some CF-er/ church goer passes by at this moment and sees me with these people? What will they think of me? 
Come to think of it. I don't know why I had those thoughts in the first place. I mean, hello! It happened to Jesus too! With the Pharisees. 
As for the less noticed...I certainly have noticed them, but that has not spurred me to take any action. To genuinely know them and be friends with them. To have lunch with them or something. And that's why Rachel catches my attention every time. See, she hangs out with this girl with cerebral palsy called Jo Leen. Not that I avoid her, I just don't make an effort to look out for her. And to me, seeing Rachel walk slowly so that Jo Leen can walk at a comfortable pace makes me notice that something is different about Rachel. Because I see no one else making the same effort. And I truly see her passion for missions, and for God. She stands out, more than anyone else that I know, even in the CF. Not because she blogs about Christian stuff, and goes for mission trips, but. Something just radiates out you know? You can just tell something is different, because she has Jesus.
I don't know. I think I'm starting to become incoherent. And I still have not yet gained the answer to my question: What does it mean to be a Christian; to live a Christ-like life in today's world? Does it just mean to love as Christ did? 
p/s: Just random thoughts. I know I'm supposed to answer this question for myself, but I was just trying to make sense of things.pp/s: Note to self: Must make an effort when I notice people now! 

Conversation With God: 1

So. I wanted a lesson from God today. And it was in the middle of church that this happened.
I was thinking about my conversation with Christina & Carmen on Skype. They asked me what my passion is, and I said "people". Thus I began wondering. How do I love people more? How do I invest in the lives of the people put under my care?

And suddenly, this happened:-

"Lindley, do you love me?"
"Of course Lord!"

I payed attention quickly, because something told me that God was going to teach me something new today. Another aspect of love that I'd never really thought about.
Honestly, I felt it was like a trick question. Like really. God won't simply ask this kind of question without a purpose right! And I felt like I answered too quickly =.=

So. That question got me thinking. And I asked myself. Do I truly love God?
I think God must've seen my brain working overtime, because that's when He asked again:-

"What does love mean to you?"
"Well. Love. I think its sacrificial. Unconditional. You want to share the joys and pains of the people whom you love."

And then. I got stuck again in answering beyond that.

"Har. Takkan so shallow meh. I really don't know what love is! GG lor."

And then He asked again. "Think about it in terms of music. You know how much you love music. Think about the things you have done in pursuit of music."

It began to make more sense to me. Music. I've spent countless hours searching online for tutorials, for Youtube videos on instrumental music. For online sheet music that I wanted to play so badly. I visited music forums and shared my passion for music with the people there. I would study music, and be amazed at music's science. I spent hours playing the piano, just basking in the melodies that came with the tinkling of those black and white keys. And I experienced joy. I felt... connected. And it never failed to make me the happiest person on earth, after playing the piano.

"Go on. What would you be willing to do in pursuit of music?"

Well. I would... sacrifice my time just to learn about it. I would go to wherever music calls me. If it was to perform, or to study, or even make an observation, I would. I would teach music to people who can't afford it, just because I want them to have the same joy that I feel with music. The minute anyone asks me to do something that's got to do with music, I'd instantly say Yes. I wouldn't be selfish with the music scores that I found, because it truly gives me joy and I want others to feel the same way. The joy of finding a music sheet that is so rare. I would persevere until I find that rare score, and wouldn't budge till I find it.

"Now. Do you love me?"

At that moment, I was going "Oh crap. I knew this was a trick question!" And then I thought about it. I always say that I love God, and that I love people. But that 'love' cannot even be compared to the love that I have for my music. And then I started to see the analogy.

With music, I'd spend so much time and effort looking for music scores online. And these take hours. And I haven't been doing the same with God. I don't recall ever spending hours with God, just reading His word and being so excited about it as I am over finding a rare music score. I've never sacrificed as much time for God as I have for music.

With music, I'd persevere till I find that rare music sheet. Nope. I've never persevered with God. Not in the sense that I backslid and turned my back on God, but more towards not persevering to hear from God during my quiet times with Him. I never was patient enough to wait for Him to speak to me. I'd wait for 2 minutes, and then think to myself, "Hm. God's not speaking today. Imma go do something else". I've also never persevered in prayer. After 2 weeks of praying for the same thing with God not answering, I'd give up totally. I never persevered enough for God to answer my prayers. Compare that to me not budging till I find a rare piano score. =.=

With music, I'd share my joy with anyone who was willing to listen. And the words coming from my mouth about how much I love music was nothing compared to my body language when talking about it. My eyes would widen and sparkle, I'd start speaking quickly and my hands would wave around the air, and there would just be some sort of joyful/bouncy emotion when I talk about music. I would constantly be smiling when I talk about music. And if I say I love God, it should be the same way when I talk to people about God, be it sharing the Gospel, or sharing my experiences with God. More often than not, I think I make Christianity seem like a very boring thing. I should be pumping with excitement for God when I tell people about Him! And it is not just by my words alone, but through my body language as well. People should see the joy that resonates within me just because I have Jesus. Also, I should be sharing the Gospel with anyone who was willing to listen because of the passion that I have for Christ.

With music, I'd instantly say Yes! to anyone who asks me to do something related to music. With God. Well. Not only would I say no, but I'd also at times grumble and ask "Why me-lah?..." followed with 1001 excuses on why I should not do whatever God asked me to do. If God were to ask me to go to Nepal to do missionary work, I'd most likely tell him "OMG CANNOT LAH GOD. Choose someone else can? I will die there. Like. Really. You know I cannot tahan one!". But with music, if someone were to ask me to go there to teach music to the kids there, or anything music related, I'd say "I'd love to go!" and equip myself so that I'd be able to get my message/teachings across.

Clearly, I didn't like where this was going. But really. God has His own ways of teaching you things. And at the most random of moments.

"God. If You ask me to compare You to music-ah, then really lor. It's like. I don't love you like that. And some more I've been telling people how much I love You. Woah. Really lor God. Now I feel quite emo."

I didn't hear Him laugh, but I definitely could feel Him smile.
And I didn't like what I heard next as well.

"Well. Now. You know what to do"

And at this point I could imagine God winking at me while He said that.
Of all the nerve! LOL.
*I'd like to think that God has a sense of humour."

Today's lesson hit me hard. And with God choosing the most random moments to teach me stuff like that, I could've missed it. The only reason why I didn't was because I got up today, and made it a point first thing in the morning to say "God. This is my first time doing devotions in the morning. Please make it worth it okay. Like. Don't make it discouraging for me. I want to hear from You today." So I guess, that tuned my ears to hearing from God, even with all the noise around me.

So. That was that. I thought our conversation ended there, and that was the lesson He had for me today. But wahlao! No lor. The speaker today asked us to open our bibles to Luke 10:25. Yes. The story about the Good Samaritan and loving your neighbour as yourself. And the speaker went through a few key points on how to love the people around you. Not necessarily the people whom you know personally. Just people.

And that. Answered the question that I first began this blog post with. How do I love people more? But that's another post for another day. (:

Really God? Not funny okay. I wasn't prepared for such a huge lesson today.
Or maybe I was. Because I felt like the happiest person in the world after. I felt blessed, and my spirit was renewed. (:

p/s: Thank You Father, for the lessons You teach me. And the ways in which You help me to see and understand things. <3 I'm sorry for all the times I nonchalantly said that I love You, without thinking about what it truly means to LOVE You. Help me to live the life that truly shouts "I LOVE JESUS" (: