Family

It is always so heartwarming, looking at how they welcome me so freely. Such a hospitable family, with big big hearts that only know how to give to others. It is through them that I get to experience; albeit only slightly; what a family unit feels like. It is always a joy to be able to talk and spend time with them, to know that you are loved and always welcomed even though you aren't part of their flesh and blood.  

While I don't have a 'real' family (or what feels like one) of my own, I am blessed to be able to experience even this. Their generosity and love has impacted my heart, and there's such gratitude that I feel towards them. 

Continue to bless this family Lord. :)

Bittersweet

It was an amazing day, finally getting to hold you close, intertwine my fingers with yours, inhale that familiar scent. To finally be able to receive kisses on my forehead, nose taps and stolen kisses on the cheek. To hear you say "I love you" while gazing into your eyes. To laugh heartily, filled with a deep happiness that went unfelt for the longest time, simply because I could witness your antics that made you, you. 

Just 2 days left. Seeing you today reminded me of how much I miss you, how much I miss us being together, spending quality time with each other. Seeing you smile, and so eager to spend time with me made me feel so special again. 

I didn't want the day to end, but I can't stop what God has set in motion. I can't stop hours and days from passing by; I can only be part of that passing. To make the most out of it. But time is passing by too quickly; it doesn't seem to take pity on our circumstances. And Sunday is too near, too soon. 

My heart sank when you left tonight. It reminded me that a day has passed. A reminder that we're a day closer to us being separated by distance again for the next 5-6 weeks. This heart has become too fragile - I couldn't contain the tears inside. And i shed those tears silently, because I wasn't the only one in the room. Salty tears ran down my cheeks, staining my pillow. 

And my heart breaks. I'm afraid. I've tasted what it feels like to be with you again, and I can't go back to this LDR thing. It's so hard. I miss you so much. 

emotions

I'm not going to conceal or suppress my disappointments, but I'm going to try to make prayer my first response to these emotions. Lord, You take it all. I'm not asking you to take it away, but guide my actions even if I'm disappointed every day.  Don't let is consume me, but use it Lord, to convict me to display Christ-likeness in all that I do and say.

rainbows

We made up. Like, really made up. And I'm grateful for the hour that he spent reassuring me of his love. He's so handsome, and loving. I cannot take it, can pengsan. We come out of every disagreement stronger than ever, with a better understanding of each other.

I giggle. Hee. :) Ngawww 

broken

It's been a really tough week. All that arguing the entire week - it's taking up my energy. I'm feeling tired. Something must be wrong since we're arguing every day. It's taking a toll on me, on us. My heart breaks every time. The pain that I feel, the heaviness that comes with it, not to mention the sleeplessness too. 

Will we be able to remain as strong? Am I enough for him? Am I too little, or too much? What is his ideal girl? Can I believe it? 

So much to say, but I don't know how to pour it out in writing, although it's cathartic. But He sees and understands. 

Agape. 

Whatever

So damn frustrated.

I Would Run Away

Yeah. That song, from "The Corrs". I would run away...with you. Except, I just want to run away from the world, alone, and hide somewhere, maybe start a new life in that place that I love.

No, nothing is wrong with our relationship. Everything is fine, in fact, it's great. He's an amazing guy. This has nothing to do with us. I'm just tired of my life here sometimes. And I want to run away. I want to go back to that place where everything seemed like a safe haven. Just pure, unadulterated excitement, happiness, and love. A time when I wasn't constricted by anything, relentlessly exploring the world (read: just the US of A), marvelling in its beauty. Fresh-faced, driven, excited, too bold.

Maybe Boston is too far, and too expensive. Maybe I just really want to drive off to another state, maybe a small kampung somewhere and live a small community life. 

Maybe, maybe I should do that. Just pack up and leave this too-busy-city life that is just getting to me. And be content with a slow-moving kampung where everyone knows your name, the muhibbahs, and great, cheap, food. 

Build a new identity in a new place. Perhaps I just want to escape into a Narnia, or Wonderland. Be an Alice.

Or maybe some intense retail therapy would be nice. Window shopping, since I'm unemployed and have no money. I might be content just imagining if a certain cropped top would look good on me - minus my tummy.

#1

He manages to make me giggle, even just by looking at him. :) 

Limitless

"Limitless" is a good song to listen to in the morning. Reminds me that our God is limitless, greater, and bigger than anything and everything. 

How silly have I been to make my problems seem so big and un-rectifiable. But He's gracious, gently reminding me that He is all I need. 

Expecting so much more during this period. 

Indeed, Your name brings healing to me. It brings inner peace; and the relief that I suddenly felt after realising  that I've been magnifying my problem, but You are bigger than that. All I needed was a nudge from You, and You knew that. 

Peace. It's knowing that You'll walk with me through the hardest of times, and that I'll come out victorious because all Your plans for me are good. 

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

Claiming that promise starting today Lord! Let's do this together :) 

because He lives, I can face tomorrow

I've been making a lot of mistakes at work. Pressure to perform builds up, especially when clients hint at the possibility of new projects if this one goes well.

No idea what I'm writing on, simple grammatical errors made, factual errors even. Major no-no's in writing a press release. Media pitches to do, a big paper not wanting to turn up, I'm at a loss on how to make things work. 

Feeling insecure, emotional, constantly needing reassurance from him. It's tiring, and must be emotionally taxing on him as well. Don't want to make him tired. Feels like he's supporting me and giving me more than I do for him. 

Worried.

Reminded that I need to be utterly dependent on God at work, whether things are big or small. That He WILL deliver me, no matter what, because I'm His child and He loves me. Need His strength to pull through the weeks and the madness of working in this industry. 

He whispered, "Have you forgotten how I'm omniscient and omnipresent? I am with you always. Every second of the day. This means I see things happen as it unfolds, and I know exactly how you're feeling. I feel your hurts and your struggles because I'm the Lord your God." 

Sufficient. I turn to You for strength and wisdom. I know that You are teaching me to be dependent on You, and You alone. You've brought me through that path when I was studying, and You're bringing me through that again. 

Need to stop compartmentalising my faith and trust in You. 

Scattered thoughts, chaotic emotions. 

Don't let the enemy get to you. Jesus lives in you and that means you can overcome anything with and by His powerful name. 

Reminder.

Pushing ahead with the Lord.

"...and call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honour Me." - Psalm 50:15

Amen!  

heartache

This is quite difficult. 

:'( 

#pain 

untitled

For some reason, it hurts.
I'm angry, frustrated, ashamed.

Jesus, take this hurt away. Please :(

"...bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ."
- 2 Corinthians 10:5

Now what?

So, it's finally over. Undergrad studies I mean. Never thought that this day would come, since I started studying at Monash 4 years ago. Now that I have time to actually sit down and let this whole "OMG-I'm-Graduating" episode sink in, I've come to this realization that I'm not as fearless as I thought I would be.

1. Friendship
The friends that I made in university are one of my most cherished relationships. They're genuine, albeit with ups and downs, but they're what they are- real. No hidden motives, no using friendship as an excuse to obtain something else, just pure love for each other. As I neared the end of my student life, I found myself asking this question, "will the friendships that I make at my workplace be as genuine as those that were cultivated in university?" My perception of university friendships could be discounted as naive or idealistic. But I have been blessed with amazing friends who have journeyed with me throughout these 4 amazing years. While I do look forward at making new friends when I start to work (Oh Lord, I hope that would be soon!), I wonder if it is wrong to have a reservation regarding these future friendships. 

2. Being jobless

Nothing much to say. I'm picky with jobs. I don't need to have a high-profile job, I just want to work in an MNC. Big companies which pay decently. Looking at how some of my friends had a difficulty finding jobs just scares me. But I doubt that I'd be jobless for a long time. :)) 

3. Now what? 

Yes, the big "Now What?" question. Now that I've graduated, what now? Do I want to do something purposeful with my life before applying for internships/jobs? What do I really want to do? What do I want my career line to be? Do I want to work here, or do I want to work elsewhere? What is my God's purpose for me at my workplace? 

Questions, questions, questions.
Above all, I am thankful that I have a God who is always with me and for me. I am secure, knowing that He is always there beside me, walking me through the different stages of life. 

thoughts

It's frustrating. And it hurts. Don't tell me I have a problem. I know I do, and that's why I'm upset in the first place. What I need is someone to reassure me, to listen, and to not make me feel like crap, just because I have an issue. 
Because I'm sure I'm not the only one who has that problem. 

incoherence

I usually spend time thinking about what to blog, simply because I don't want to write out an incoherent post. But sometimes, too much thinking makes the post seem too structured, too impersonal. And that's not how I'd like to write. Often times I find myself typing out a paragraph before hitting the CTRL+A+Delete combination.


So, I really don't know what this post is going to be about. Or what I'm even trying to convey. I only know that I need an outlet at this very moment. 
Because it hurts. It hurts to leave Boston and the States. It hurts to leave BC. It hurts the most, to leave behind the people I've met here. I know I've blogged about this before, about the pain of leaving, but the feeling just isn't going away. I know I can come back one day, but maybe what hurts the most is the idea that people might just forget me, forget who I am, and who I am to them. That is without a doubt, one of my biggest fears and insecurities. I don't want to return to Boston one day, only to be greeted with people who don't remember who I am. The people whom I've come to love and be personal with; people whom I've had the privilege of working with. People. Just every single one of them. 
It was a good decision to spend my last 2 weeks in Boston in solitude, without spending much time with anyone. And I thought I did well in that, till a few days ago, when I met up with the Malaysians, with different people from Symphony and BC. Honestly, a big part of me just wishes to scream out loud- to tell people that I don't want to see them before I leave, because that makes leaving so much more difficult. 
It makes it more painful. 
And I'm trying to shield myself from the pain. 
But I'm not strong enough to decline invitations to have a last supper together. And during those moments, the conversations that I have with these people, and the amount of love and care that they show me gives me a sense of security in my  relationship with them. That even if I were to come back only 10 years later, they'd still remember me, and that they'd still love me like they did. That our friendship mattered enough to them; that I mattered enough. 
I know people change. I changed too. Our friendship might change as well. But as long as the friendship hasn't gone stale, or forgotten, that's good enough for me. 
These days, it seems that the only thing for me to do to temporarily relieve myself of the pain is to cry. But it hurts, crying alone. I would like someone to hug me, to squeeze my shoulder. Tell me it's okay. And to assure me that I'll be back, and that they're looking forward to that day. Even if it's a lie, it would soothe the pain. Just like what Band Aid does when placed on a wound. It covers it, makes the wound feel a little better, but ultimately the healing comes from within. And the healing comes with time. 
I'm also scared of going home. There are just too many things going on at the same time- it gets overwhelming. I'm afraid of returning to Malaysia, returning to a culture I'd probably grow to dislike, returning to a place, a country that I can't bring myself to call home. Returning to a home that doesn't even feel like home. Afraid of being looked in the eye and hearing the words, "You've changed so much. What happened to the old you? I miss that". Afraid of moving back into my parent's house, living with them, and not having the freedom to live life independently. Afraid of not being able to 'fit in' with Malaysian-ness. 
I sound judgmental. I probably am. It's like I'm not giving life back home a chance. 
And maybe I shouldn't have met you. 
There are no words to describe the web of emotions that I'm feeling. And I'm too tired to even try. I only have a day left in this city that I love. 
I don't even want to think about it. 

Part 1: I remember: BC

It was as if things never changed... Things felt the way it did when I first arrived in Logan Airport; the fresh smell of the air, untainted by massive pollution, the rushed movements of Bostonians, hurrying to be punctual for appointments in their hectic schedule, Massachusetts drivers honking and being honked at by the 'T' drivers.

That feeling of awe that I felt when I first stepped into Boston College- amazed and captivated by the falling leaves during winter, trees and flowers which had lost their vibrant colors and leaves and petals, yet, maintained such a serene beauty amidst those dead branches. It was quiet. Students weren't rushing around yet because it was still winter break. And I walked through the main gate, past Corcoran Commons (before I knew that it was called 'Lower'), past Maloney (before I knew that the old name was Campanella Way), and stood in front of that beautiful grey-tiled staircase that seemed to go on forever. I remember feeling excited, but apprehensive; I imagine that that's how Lucy would've felt when she found Narnia in her cupboard. I remember walking up that unending staircase, taking in the smooth texture of the brass railings as I let my hands glide up the railing as I climbed the steps that lead to Middle Campus.

I remember feeling breathless when I reached the top. I remember thinking how unfit I was, panting, and wondering if I had to use this torturous staircase everyday to get to class.
I remember breathing a sigh of relief, as I found out that I could use the elevators in Maloney to get to Middle Campus. 
I remember walking around Middle Campus, soaking in the unpolished beauty of the Gothic architecture of Gasson and Devlin, reading the Biblical inscriptions on those buildings- "And the Truth will set you free". Time seemed to have stood still when the bells of Gasson rang, reminding everyone on campus of its majestic presence. And I remember how I loved hearing the sound of those bells ringing.
6 months later, and I still feel the same way I did when I first came here.  
It was as if things never changed...
That same feeling of awe, amazement, and the captivation by the beauty of Boston College. But, things did change. Those feelings are now accompanied with a sense of familiarity, love, pride and joy. They are now accompanied with a sense of belonging, of what it means to be an Eagle- a BC student. I still stand in front of Gasson, and I still love the sound of the bells ringing, but I stand here now with fond memories of BC. Memories of pulling all-nighters, memories of having Family Group in Gasson 201. Memories of having Communication Research Methods in Gasson 303. 
It was as if things never changed, but I now make a clear distinction between BU and BC. I laugh and poke fun at BU (no hard feelings!), and am proud of our strong rivalry. I'm proud of our Ice Hockey team who won National Champions, 3 times in 5 years. I've even managed to instill BC pride in some of my visiting friends, even friends who come from other colleges. And they start dissing BU as well, jokingly. Haha. 
It was as if things never changed...but they did. School ended a few weeks ago, and BC is once again empty, just like when I first arrived. But it's summer now, and the trees and flowers which were once dead now bloom with beautiful leaves and petals, showing a different kind of beauty to BC than when I first arrived. I now stand in front of Gasson with an Eagle's knowledge of BC grounds. Campanella, Lower, McElroy, Eagle's Nest, Devlin, McGuinn, Carney, Upper, Bapst, the Million Dollar Staircase, ONeil. And I stand tall, I stand proud. Proud because I've had the amazing privilege of being a part of BC. Proud because I love what being a BC student means. Proud because BC is part of my Alma Mater. Proud because I've had so much love from everyone around me, here at BC.
BC will forever hold a special place in my heart. And the people I've met here at BC will always have a special place in my heart too. 
Go Eagles! :') 

epilogue: BC

So. This is it. The very last day of undergraduate class at BC. No more Prof. Duggan, Miss Hedegard, Prof. Deese, and Mr. Burns. No more homework, no more ONeil, no more staying up at night finishing an exercise to be handed in for credit.


No more coming into class, sitting in those individual desks, and participating in discussions about Christian politics, or Communication research methods, or popular culture. 
But it is not the end yet. I still have finals, and my very last day at BC would be slightly more than a week from now. I remember how I first arrived, and how I was in awe of BC. BC now feels so familiar; I now laugh when people talk of Newton, or when CSOM is made fun of. I smile when I hear people grumble about the food at Lower, or at Mc, and how people say there are awesome burgers at Hillside. 
I now hold open the door for others, although they are like 10 seconds away from the door; I hate cramming into the bus when I need to get to my 9am class, but that's a part of BC- it's not something you can separate. 
More than that, it's the people whom I'll miss the most. People who've extended their warm friendships to me, people who've been so helpful. 
To these people, I say, it's my privilege being able to be your friend. It's a blessing to be helped by you (even if it's just holding the door open for me), to be loved by you. Thank you for being such a blessing, and impacting my life in such a positive way. I only wish that you can say the same for me, and that we can be friends for so much longer. And I hope that we'll be able to meet again, someday. 
I suddenly realize the finality of it all, as I write goodbye-cum-thank you emails to people who hold a place in my heart. To Megan, Elisabeth, Teddy, my FG, people at KRUP, my professors, BC admin- words cannot express how much I love all of you, and the thought of not being able to see any of you again kills me inside. 
It is with a heavy heart that I leave BC behind, that I leave all these people behind. The familiarity of walking through Maloney and ONeil plaza, the solitude found in empty classrooms in Gasson, the noise in Lower.  
I leave with the hope that I will come back to BC one day, perhaps, as a graduate student. I leave with all the love that's been poured on me. 
This is it. It's final. While part of me wishes that I never came here, a bigger part of me is glad that I'm able to be part of this loving community here at BC. 
I realized how bad I am at goodbyes, and how easily attached I am to people around me. 
But, God's been good to me. He's been good to me throughout this entire semester. The love that I have from all these people reminds me that God is always watching over me. 
Thank you, Thank You. :')
p/s: EMO SONG PLAYING. 1000 years. Wanna cry :( 

denial

I have a confession to make.


I am weak. So weak is my faith that I had to hesitate for awhile before answering, "Yes, He does speak to me. I hear Him," just so that I would not seem crazy. 
Can I honestly call myself a follower of Christ? Can I honestly say that I love Him with all my heart?Can I honestly say that I would follow Him to the cross, if need came to be? 
No. I can't.I would have denied Him. Just like Peter did. Three times. 
It is only by His grace and unending mercies that I am His child, and that I can call myself His. 
Forgive this wretched heart, O Lord. Forgive me for my weakness. Forgive me for my pride, for once thinking that I would die for my faith, if I had to. 
But more than anything, help me to first acknowledge You with conviction.Take me out of my comfort zone; out of my "Christian circle"; place me in waters where my faith will be tested.
But don't leave me Lord. Because this wretched heart,Needs You. 

home

Lying down on my bed with my head propped up against a pillow, sipping green tea, unchanged from the clothes that I wore to school, has become a new routine; one which I often find comfort in. Too much comfort perhaps. That sense of familiarity, comfort, and how I call 25 Gerald 'home' scares me. It scares me because, it actually isn't my home. Or is it? To think that I need to go back to Malaysia in 2 months breaks my heart. To leave all that I hold dear behind. The people that I've met, the city I've come to love, the school I've come to be proud of, the house that gives me rest and refuge when I so desperately need it.

And now, as I'm once again lying on the bed, this time with my laptop propped up at an awkward angle on my lap, I contemplate on how things will be like back in Malaysia. How different. How foreign. And I wonder if things will ever be the same again. 
The US used to be a dream. It didn't matter which school I attended, as long as I could study in the States. But that dream has become a realization, and it's no longer enough to just treat it as a memory, a dream that was realized. While I'm aware that it's been an opportunity that many don't get, it's not enough for me. I've experienced it. 
I want more.So much more. 
It makes me sound selfish. Or maybe I really am selfish. I often wonder, where my heart lies. With the States? Malaysia? The people I've come to know here? Or the people back home? It seemed as though I was so ready to leave Malaysia 4 months ago. Going home has never been harder. 
Going home has never felt like leaving home. 
People might tell me that I don't need to choose, that I can love both at the same time. That I can love the US and Malaysia, and love the people here and back home all at the same time.
But that's not true. 
Because ultimately, you can't love everyone, or everything, the same. One takes precedence over the other. One becomes a priority, while the other is sidelined. 
I often imagine the night I arrive in Malaysia, when I'm back in my single bed at home, staring at the ceiling, inhaling the familiar scent of home, that I would think of my time in the States as a dream. A fantastic dream which sadly, had to come to an end. Like the time when you dreamed about getting married to that amazing guy, but you never knew the ending because your alarm clock rang. 
Maybe, coming back to the States is another dream. Maybe coming back to BC is another dream. Dreams that I hold close to my heart, and hope to realize one day. 

my generasi

"Angkat! Jatuh! Angkat! Jatuh!"
I almost forgot those words since I left school slightly more than 4 years ago. It brought back a sense of nostalgia, and a tinge of sadness that I no longer experienced this in college and university. 
And now that I'm in the States, and have been in the States for nearly 5 months now, I'm really proud to call myself a Malaysian. That sense of community, of genuine friendships, of how we're so respectful towards one another, of how we're so...Malaysian. There's just no other words to describe it. While I love being in the States, and while I love how certain things are done here, there are many aspects of Malaysia that I long for. 
I long for the days back in primary school. Where we'd play Batu Seremban, or Tali, write "Daddy-cation" notes on books, pass secret messages on paper, secretly eat in class, and be reprimanded by the Pengawas for not tucking in your shirt. 
Those were days when things were more carefree. When I cared less about what others thought. When appearance didn't take so much precedence. When we talked about anything and everything under the sun without worrying about social norms. When we just allowed our inner selves to roam free with no constraints.
It saddens me how I've suddenly become so attached to Facebook, to my mobile phone, to Skype, and all the other gadgets out there that has been eating away at my social life. Not that I'm any 'less social', I mean, hey, I've got 1500 friends on Facebook! But maybe the fact that people are so accessible now, makes me feel like I've taken them for granted. Gone were the days where we used to make concrete plans after school, and no one would FFK us because they didn't have a phone they could use to text "Hey, something came up, can't make it. Sorry". 
I love how this video is so raw, and how it captures almost so perfectly and exhaustively life as a Malaysian student. No plot, no trying to be all Hollywood. Just, Malaysian. Pure and simple. 
My generation. It's become history now, but I love it. And I'm glad that I was a part of it :)