relay for you

I still remember the day you walked into class. You were the new transfer kid. We were 14. You wore long sleeved shirts, and had a pale, puffy face. I remember thinking, "How crazy is he? Wearing a long sleeved shirt in this weather".


We soon became good friends. You didn't have many friends in school. Maybe because you were always absent. Maybe because you were new. But you were really nice. 
You were always happy. You constantly talked about gaming, and how your brother was involved in the designing of one of those popular online games. I had the feeling that you wanted to be like him one day. 
We'd hang out. We'd chat a lot online, and talk a lot in school. You'd invite me to your birthday dinner. The only one that I could attend since we first became friends.
Maybe I didn't understand the magnitude of what you told me, of what was happening to you. Maybe because I was 15. Maybe because I was immature and ignorant. I just knew that you were sick, and that you needed to get treatment. And because you seemed hopeful that you'd recover, I carried that hope that you would too. And I thought lightly of what ailed you. 
I remember the day I got a call from your number. It was a week after PMR I think. And it was weird, because, you never called. You'd text. I couldn't pick up your call, but I called back. But, you didn't answer. Someone else did. A mature, sounding voice. And that voice felt like, it was choking on something. And that's when I realized how serious that illness was. 
"Hey. I just wanted to inform you that he passed away"
God, I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I took it all too lightly, never knowing what you went through all these years of fighting it. 
If there was one regret I had, it was not attending your funeral. I didn't attend because I didn't want to break down in front of your parents. But that was a stupid reason. And that's a regret I carry all my life.
Because your parents told someone else who attended, probably the only one who attended: "You're one of his few real friends. Thank you so much for coming".
I look back now, and at 22, I now understand the magnitude of what you told me. Of that illness you were fighting for so long. Of why you had to wear long-sleeved shirts and why you had that puffy face. And even the thought of it scares me. Maybe it's because I'm wiser, maybe it's because of education. 
Maybe it's because I saw what it did to you, and what it did to other people as the years went by.  
It's been 7 years. I can barely picture your face in my mind. But. Tonight's Relay for Life. It was for you. 

In remembrance of Matthew. :')1990-2005