wishes

The start to 2012 has been an eventful one. Spending New Year's in church, and post-New Year's in Malacca with an amazing bunch of people; some whom I've not seen for the past 6 months; has been a really fresh experience. The trip to Malacca has been one that was eye-opening, even to events that happened back in 2009. 
I met you, albeit unexpectedly, in the middle of Jonker Street. Of all places. You looked the same, with that same smile, and the same friendly eyes. Perhaps you were a little bit bigger in size. But you looked like the same person I knew, and perhaps, loved. As usual, you were travelling with a group of girls. I didn't notice any guys around, so I assumed you were the only male in that group. You've always been popular with the girls. And why not? With your personality, and your kind heart, who's bound not to like you? 
I don't know what stung more. The fact that we merely shook hands, or the fact that you didn't even really look at me when you said hi, or the fact that, maybe, just maybe, things could be different back then. 
They say that your heart races for awhile whenever you meet that special someone. And it did. I don't know what the reason was, but I knew that I felt like my heart was going to explode the moment I caught that glimpse of you. I wished that I hadn't walked too far ahead, so fast. I wished that I hadn't bumped into you. I wished you had spent a little more time talking to me. I wished I didn't see you with so many girls, wondering if any girl among them was yours. I wished that things could be different. That this trip was ours, instead of us travelling as two separate entities.
Then again. throughout the years, I'd also secretly wished that I'd be able to bump into you. I wished that we weren't strangers again. I wished that our story didn't have an ending. I wished that we could do so much more together. 
I wish things didn't have to end.    I wish that you'd still think about me, as often as I do. 
So many conflicting wishes. It's confusing. 
Looking back, there really was no proper closure to it all. I never knew, and probably never will know why things ended. I'd never know how you really felt about it. 
I saw your pictures on my news feed. This time, my heart didn't race. But it stopped for awhile. The same questions always runs through my mind. Do you have someone else? Are you interested in a girl now? What do you think of me? 
I've not hurt like this before in awhile. Not since 2009. Yesterday was the first time I almost broke down. Bumping into you stung. But I was thankful for the people who were with me yesterday; Wils, Chris, Andrew and Brandon. 
My thoughts are a mess right now. This post isn't even coherent, and it doesn't really have a point either. Going to Boston feels like a form of escape. Brandon said I should settle things before I leave. But maybe I don't want to. Maybe I still want to hold on to that sliver of tiny hope. A silly one, but hope, nevertheless. 
I miss you. So much.