Maybe it's not so much on 'hearing' God, I've definitely heard from Him. But it's the intimacy in her relationship with God that is so evident in her writings on her daily life. The awareness that she has of His presence in everything that she does. How she hears so clearly from God as He speaks to her through the various things and events in her life, even if it's just something that seems like a routine.
I haven't heard God's audible voice, but He does speak to me on a regular basis. I've felt His nudge in the kitchen as I've mopped the linoleum floor, I've recognized His tug as I've pulled off the highway in an overheated car, I've sensed His peaceful wooing as I've struggled to weather tumultuous storms, I've heard echoes of His laughter as He's instructed me to learn from the children in my care, I've sensed His presence as I spent time meditating on the Scriptures. - Sharon Jaynes
It's been a question I've been asking God for a long time. I know He's real. I've experienced Him, I've heard from Him multiple times, I've enjoyed just being in His presence. But Lord, why am I not as intimate with You? I know I can be so much more intimate with You. I know there's so much more to this relationship than where I'm at right now. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not, praying enough? Serving enough? Loving enough?
I kept re-reading Bible passages that spoke of intimacy with God.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"- Jer 29:13
"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened"- Luke 11:9-10
Well, thought I, it SHOULD be simple enough. I just had to seek God with all of my heart! Problem solved! So I went about, praying that God would give me a heart that's seeks Him, all of my days.
This went on for a couple of months. Till one day, as I was driving back, a thought just came into my head.
"You're not seeking me enough"
I stopped. Well, I didn't stop the car, but that thought was enough to grab my attention that was otherwise focused on looking out for stupid drivers. Funny. I thought the very fact that I was praying about it meant that I was seeking God with all my heart. If I wasn't, why would I be reading bible verses and praying for a heart that sought God? As usual, I questioned the Lord.
"What do you mean, Lord?"
"You're not seeking me with all your heart"
"Great. That doesn't really help You know? I thought I already was seeking You with all my heart! Well. I've been praying about it! So what exactly do You mean?"
I won't detail the rest of the conversation, because, man. I'm pretty much a horrible person. But here's a summarized version of the events that God brought me through to make His point clear. Or rather, the questions that He asked me.
1. When are the times that you seek Me the most?
2. What about other times? What happens then?
3. So. Do you still think you're seeking Me with all your heart?
You must be wondering what my answers are.
1. Well Lord. I'd say it's during the semester. (Which at this point, God pressed me to think further to ask "Why particularly during the semester?") Because...I need Your guidance for exams and assignments?
2. Well. After the semester is over, I think I don't seek You as much. (Note my refusal to admit that I didn't really seek God at all, as opposed to not seeking Him as much)
3. DARN IT! Man. Lord. You really have a way of showing me things. No, I'm not seeking You with all my heart.
It dawned upon me how I was treating God like He was disposable. How I chucked Him aside when I 'didn't really need Him', but how I constantly sought Him when times were bad, or when I needed comfort or His wisdom. I spent time with Him when it was convenient for me, but I didn't care that He was waiting all day to spend time with me. Things were just more important than God.
So maybe seeking God with all my heart isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
If you're thinking that this post has a resolution, it doesn't really have one. God didn't exactly tell me how to be intimate with Him, or give me practical ways to do so, but at least He pointed me in the right direction. And I'm grateful for His..well..sorta rebuke I guess.
I am deeply ashamed of myself now.
Lord. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I cannot believe I've belittled you to something that's so...unimportant. To something of my convenience. But not of a priority. I pray, that this would be the first step I would take to having an intimate relationship with You. One that is so fulfilling, that I'd be so familiar with Your voice and hear from You on a daily basis. Even if it's just acknowledging Your presence in my life everyday. I want to be at that stage where not hearing from You on a daily basis makes me alarmed. I want to be excited to spend time with You. I know that You have amazing plans for me, and right now, I'm not on the path that You've set for me. I just know it. I pray you guide me again to the path You've laid out for me. I pray that You'll help me to never lose sight of why You created us in the first place- to have a relationship with us. An intimate one. I thank You, for Your unending grace and mercy, and how I'm always able to crawl back into your arms even after such a despicable act. I pray you accept my broken little heart, and mend it back, and prepare me to truly be a woman after Your own heart.
p/s: I realized, that this post is quite different from my other posts on Christianity and God. It's not to provide insight or life's lessons that God has taught me, but rather, maybe, just maybe, to share my brokenness.
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